Nature... the great equalizer

This is a topic that has brought about some heated debates among some of my closest friends and I write it at the risk of sounding like a total racist, although which race I would be insulting, I'm not sure. I am a firm believer that a balance exists between all things. Yin and Yang, point and counterpoint, cause and effect. Our lives are comprised of a balance and nature is a nearly perfect balance. Well, I also firmly believe in Darwinism and many of its complementary theories such as survival of the fittest, natural selection, evolution, and so on. I have believed these things for as long as I can remember, for as a child, they helped answer some of the fundamental questions I had in areas such as race, religion, species origin, and moral obligation. Now, applying these beliefs to mankind, it is my belief that different races DO have different qualities, different advantages and disadvantages, and that all men are NOT created equal.

Now, before I delve any deeper down this rabbit hole, please let me point out that I said I believe things exist in a balance, therefore if you take something away, something else must be added in its place. I am not placing any greater importance on one attribute over another, so please don't misinterpret what I am saying, you can draw your own conclusions.

Now examples of evolution are apparent everywhere, from flying squirrels, to anteaters, to birds that can make nests out of their saliva on a cave wall due to a lack of grass and trees. I think it is fairly difficult to dispute evolution's effects, and unless you count the bible as a scientific journal, I think it is fair to say that the vast majority of the scientific community accepts the principles of evolution. Why then, do some people find it so difficult to believe that mankind followed along a similar path of natural selection?

Most of my argument has to do with the topographical, geological, and cultural differences that led to different cultures and races valuing different traits, and therefore allowing those traits to flourish and develop down through the ages. Going back to Pangaea (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pangaea), all organisms on earth were fairly simple and existed fairly close to the equator (as the theory would suggest). Upon its break-up, continents were thrust into different climates and the shift resulted in massive topographical changes. Now basically, regardless or whether you subscribe to an indigenous or migration theory, mankind was forced to evolve under different circumstances throughout the globe.

Throughout the ages, it seems that the results are evident. I'm going to throw a lot of stereotypes out there, but stereotypes become what they are because the majority of a certain category of people are associated with them. In other words, I didn't come up with this stuff. We have Chinese, Korean, and Japanese cultures that are extremely industrious, hard working, and damn good at math, but are known for there less-than-stellar physical endowments. I believe this to be the result of several things. Without going into too much detail (and boring the hell out of you), the geographical location of these areas and the topography within them created a harsh land where crops do not grow easily. The vast system of money-lending and division of wealth determined by your rice crops or livestock yield led to a people that value a precise methodology in their work and lives. Also, throughout many of these cultures, marriage was always something that was arranged, therefore attractiveness and physical prowess had very little to do with the process of natural selection.


On the flip-side, we have the cultures that developed in the harsh climate and rugged terrain of Africa. Early Africans had virtually no farmland, had little workable natural resources such as lumber or ore, and existed in one of the hottest and most desolate climates on earth. Due to these conditions, early African cultures were little more than glorified hunter-gatherers. With the exception of Northern Africa and the areas that were occupied by Arabs or Europeans, they had no centralized government, no uniform currency, no trade routes, little to no education save local lore, and no system of long-distance communication. The result was a culture that valued strength and physical prowess, was deep seeded in lore, and has a strong tradition of arts and music. The man in the village that could provide the most utility to the village, usually the best hunter, was often seen as the chief, and he would take for himself the most attractive and physically endowed wife available. The result was that Africans became more athletic, have a leaner form, and are, in general, more artistically and musically creative. However, because they didn't develop a complex system of mathematics, or hold great debates in philosophy, it also resulted in a culture that hadn't developed those portions of their brains associated with more cognitive thinking.

These are merely what I believe to be the extremes in both cases. You can take any race or culture in between and list the ideals and geography of those cultures throughout the years to determine their own course of development. It will be similar in all cases.

Over the last 400 years or so, the line between these differences has been blurred, and is getting more and more blurry every year. As communication methods improve and travel gets easier, the lines that divide our cultures slowly begins to fade. Education has improved, information is more readily available. As the identity of a culture gets diluted, as its members spread out throughout the globe, they begin to adapt different aspects of their life to fit in with their new environment. 2nd and 3rd generation children of these families will grow up entirely enmeshed in a new culture and will begin to look at the ideals and ethos that gave rise to their original culture as little more than a novelty. So as the dividing lines fade and one culture, such as the United States, can hold a huge number of mixtures of different cultures that continuously combine with other cultures, what then, will determine the course of the future evolution of mankind? As technology satisfies needs that would otherwise take great effort to attain, what then becomes the driving force that determines who is fit to survive, and what traits are most desirable to cultivate? The obvious answer is that we are going to evolve into a race of A-sexual super-beings that are really good at getting tan, lifting weights, talking on their cell phones, and driving luxury vehicles, ya know, the important stuff.


Tom Pain

Darkest before Dawn

I haven't written poetry in 8 years. Normally I am stoic and complacent enough that I seldom feel inspired to delve into myself enough to create it. While recently seeking solace from a friend, he reminded me that often disappointment is the result of some expectation created through attachment. I couldn't agree with him more, but often life's most difficult lessons to learn are the ones that can enable us to conquer our fears and see through our perceptions, thus helping us develop and giving us greater insight into our lives. Without the bad, how would we know how to measure the good? Keeping that in mind, I was inspired to write this.

Darkest Before Dawn

When brightness recedes and hope starts to wane

The darkness proceeds the envelopment of pain

But does it's embrace signify loss

Or the changing perceptions that give our lives cause

Were we free of these bonds and expectations forgot

Would we grow from ourselves? All introspection for naught?

So sometimes the lessons we learn from the stings

Can show us the beauty that every day brings

So when things seem their worst and all light is gone

Keep true to yourself, its darkest before dawn




















Tom Pain

Stupid people and technology

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, I have had a lot of things occupying my thoughts lately that I don't exactly feel comfortable putting on this blog... yet. But as I was working tonight (I've taken a sabbatical from my chosen profession to find another profession, and I drive a limo on the weekends to earn some extra cash) I was observing a lot of people on the road. Now when you drive a limo, people in the back will get tossed all over the place if you drive reckless at all, so you really have to stick close to the speed limit. I live in Atlanta, for those of you that know me or also live in Atlanta, you are aware of how well thought-out our road system is and how many excellent drivers occupy our highways (emote: dripping with sarcasm). So as I was driving 55 mph on the downtown connector, I was being passed by nearly everyone, and had a good opportunity to observe their lane changing habits, their ability to stay in a lane, blinker usage, and how they react to a 22 ft. car driving the speed limit on the highway. The way a person drives can tell you a lot about them such as their general consideration towards others. A person that cuts you off right before the light that took you 10 minutes to work your way to the front, when that asshole is in the bank, you just know that he wants to walk to the front of the line and kick you in the nuts and jump up to the teller. Now I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best driver, far from it, but I like to think I try to be a considerate driver. As I continued on this train of thought, I concluded that the lethal combination of stupid people and technology will be the undoing of mankind.

Now, rather than going into a tirade about how stupid I think the populace in general is, I'll let Mike Judge explain the tip of the iceberg of how rapidly ignorant people can breed ignorant children, and so on.....

Keeping all that in mind, I don't think the imminent danger today lies in a single person's ability to change 5 lanes of traffic without a blinker resulting in a 12 car pile-up because they were too stubborn to wait till the next exit to turn around. I think the only imminent danger with stupid people and technology today lies with stupid leaders that have far too much military power at their disposal. Ignoring the United States obvious shortcomings in leadership, I can use Kim Jong Il as a good example of someone with a warped agenda, a seemingly child-like ignorance, and way too much power. This argument has more to do with the direction that we are headed in.

Technology has been advancing at an exponential rate ever since the industrial revolution. Technological progress breeds new technology, which in turn fuels further advances, and so on. At what point does technology become so advanced that it either exceeds our ability to fully grasp the consequences of using it, or that it fully replaces a human function or experience? The extremes in both these cases would result in either the destruction of mankind or the creation of a society that shits its pants when the power goes out and doesn't know how to wipe because the ass-wiping machine won't work.

Well, here is the conundrum. How does one measure stupidity in an effort to safeguard against the misuse of technology? What defines stupidity, or better yet, does a stupid action indicate an automatic degree of stupidity? I could propose that the government initiate some sort of mandatory I.Q. test for the population and that the results be displayed on your driver's license. In turn, all products, from cars to guns to I-pods, have a minimum I.Q. that the user must possess in order to purchase and operate that product. The problem with that is, many of the smartest people are often the most rude and erratic, and many people that might not contain a great degree of intelligence can be very reasonable and considerate.

All things considered, there is really nothing we can do. Technological advances are as good of a natural resource as oil or gold. Hell, look at Japan, an island country that has no great topographical or geological advantage has the fourth largest market economy in the world and ranks second in gross domestic product. We eat, breath, and shit technology. It has become so woven into the fabric of our lives that it is difficult to imagine living without the vast comfort and efficiency that it brings to our days. But in the end, for every positive technology brings, it almost always breeds a negative to the same effect. For every child in a third world country that receives an educational book, that was printed in color on top-quality kaolin covered paper, delivered by our modern system of mail delivery and everything it entails, there are 20,000,000 American woman that are using the same advances in technology to gobble down stories about Britney Spears in US Weekly like pints of Chunky Monkey, contributing to the moral decay and loss of character that seems to be spreading like butter on bread. So at some point, it seems to me, that the consequences will eventually catch up with us and outweigh the benefits, resulting in the gradual collapse of society. So warn your kids to warn their kids to warn their kids. I hope when it happens, the re-formed government of the new world holds Survivor-like challenges and when the members are voted off, they get shot. The 4652 people that endure should then re-populate the planet.

The little things

Recently, through various conditions that I currently am experiencing, I've been trying to realize what is REALLY important to me in life. Now, over the last few weeks I have experienced a larger degree of anxiety than I am really accustomed to. I'm not going to go into detail as to what the source of my concern is, that is for a later post that will be more like a therapy session than a blog entry. Needless to say, it is a problem (person) that has haunted me from childhood and doesn't look like it will ever get any better (and it isn't sexual in nature for those that don't know who I'm referring to). But still, going back to my post about taking things for granted, I didn't realize how lucky I was not to have to wake up every day with a giant knot in my stomach. So again, with my current situation, I have been assessing the things that I value most in life.

More and more, my thoughts go back to the simple things, rather than the long labored-for moments of accomplishment, or the rush of attaining a long awaited ambition. Although most people tend to have a goal-oriented lifestyle, it is my belief that those that find pleasure and contentment in the things they enjoy every day are the people that know what happiness really is. So lately, my mentality has been leaning toward enjoying the little things as much as I can: a good movie while eating your favorite candy from childhood, a sunset that hits the sky at the right angle to produce nearly every color of the rainbow, the familiar touch of someone you care about, the breeze and smell of fresh air that pours through your car window on a day that is just starting to feel the embrace of spring.

Now I'm sure I couldn't sound like more of a homo if I tried to describing these things. But still, regardless of where it comes from, it is these simple pleasures that can give wonder and experience and amazement to each and every day. How we interpret life shapes our perception, and therefore can determine our actions and opinions. Sometimes we need to step back, take a look at the big picture, and see what REALLY matters to us, to our lives, and to those that we care about.

So while the little things can drive us to enjoy the great marvels of the world around us, we also have to be aware of the negative impact of the wrong type of little things. These little things are the ones that have no bearing in our life. no bearing on our opportunities or judgement, or our experiences or principles. These are the little things that people blow out of proportion and they somehow turn into bigger things. I have come into contact with several people who love to dwell on the negative, or "glass is half empty" people. I listen to their grievances, try to address their problems, offer them positive solutions or paths of less resistance. But no matter what solace you offer them, they are so fixated on the little things that the big picture somehow misses them entirely. A good example of this that most people can relate with is the dissolution of a relationship, and how often the root of the original argument that led to the downfall can be as simple as not leaving the toilet seat down.

I guess what I am trying to say is that while the little things can fill our days with joy and open your mind and heart to the many wonders the world has to offer, to focus and dwell on them can only bring unhappiness and discomfort. Often times when things happen that seem terrible, if we take a step back, look at the big picture, our angst and disappointment are usually rooted in a very simple need that isn't being fulfilled, and it really isn't that big of a deal.

Cherish the ones you love, don't focus on their negatives. Enjoy the pleasures you can find throughout the day instead of focusing on the obstacles you encounter. Forgive those who have wronged you instead of seeking justification or revenge. Trust in karma, if you have good intentions, right action will find you. Keep in perspective the luxuries you enjoy and learn to find happiness even without them. Most of all, seek out people with hearts that are true, and keep them close to you, for they will help you weather the storm when all seems lost.

I know at times I play the role of the cynic. I will not leave this without mentioning the naivete of not seeing past the intention of little things, at least in terms of action. If someone is consistently leaving the toilet seat up, then it is an issue of consideration. If someone seems to always put their needs above others, then it is selfishness. If you must dwell on the little things in action, then deal with the root problem, don't focus on the small action itself. Even so, I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped now and then to enjoy a sunset.

Tom Pain

The most disturbing thing that has happened to me

Now, if we think back, I'm sure everyone has a memory of something that they wish had never happened. For some it may be walking in on their parents while they are having sex, or for others it may be catching your brother jacking it to a G.I. Joe doll, or maybe its something so heinous that it is buried somewhere in your psyche that you would rather not delve into. Well I had a fairly fortunate childhood, aside from some sibling issues, I had a great upbringing and, I guess you could say, a fairly sheltered one as well. While my story may not be the most disturbing thing you have seen or heard of, it is an event which is permanently etched into my mind and which I can recall with vivid horror, although in hindsight it was one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. So here it goes.

Back at the turn of the millennium while some were huddled in fear over Y2K or going about their normal New Year's routine, me and three of my closest friends decided to take a trip to Big Cypress in the Everglades of Florida to see Phish. Now for those of you not familiar with the event or its happenings, it was basically about 85,000 people that gathered over 2 days to share in.... festivities.... and brotherhood to enjoy one of the most talented bands ever to walk this earth, Phish. Now two of the people that accompanied me you can view pictures of if you scroll down to the "5 days worth of saturated fat" entry. One of them was Justin, the winner of the contest, and the other was Nathan, whose birthday it was and who hosted the contest (the one in the hat sitting down). The other wishes to remain anonymous due to the nature of the event, but i will call him Aussy, after Aussy Ockum Red. Now this trip ended up being one of the best experiences of my life and in thinking back, there are few things I wouldn't give up to be able to go back there and do it again, limbs included. But as the festival came to a close, when Phish was playing their 7 1/2 hour set and it was about 3 hours into it, a disturbance began to emerge from the edge of my hearing, and faint cry that had not yet grabbed my attention....

Now before I begin, a little background info on the scene there. Everyone was enjoying the New Year, it was three hours into it. Nathan, Aussy, and I had partaken in certain festivities throughout the day and were in an especially jovial mood. Justin had decided that toward the end of the day he would just drink alcohol and quit drinking a few hours before the show so he could drive us to Fort Lauderdale to get a hotel and a freakin shower. So Justin had drank about a case of Miller Lite and close to a whole bottle of champagne by about 3 a.m. and his motor is slowly coming to a halt. While us and about 3/4 the crowd is standing up, Justin is laying on the ground looking about half a breath away from his eyes rolling into the back of his head. I kept bumping into him and stepping on him as I was enjoying the music, so I asked if I could move him. He said he would move on his own, but being that I was in such a good mood, I persuaded him to let me move him over for him. So I reach down to wrap my arms around his back to pick him up, and it was then that something happened that at once was an immediate conundrum in my brain. A bare naked ass fell right on his face, not 6 inches from my nose.

As I tried to gather my wits about me and assess the situation, it was then that I met the gaze of the most terrifying beast that I have ever faced, a girl that was plum fucking out of her mind. She was of medium height and medium build, with long, tangled brown hair that shook about her like a prison inmate or someone who has been camping a long, long time. She was stark naked save for her socks and a long sleeve green shirt. But her eyes, her eyes had a hollow but VERY focused look in them, like she was searching for something... and she had found it. It was then that I heard the blood curdling voice of the she-beast and it was a loud cry of "YOUUUUUUUUUU" as she pointed a finger at me. Now as the band made its entrance earlier in the night, they threw out plastic leis to the crowd, which I had grabbed and was donning at the time. She got up and lunged at me. As her arms neared their intended destination, I quickly jerked back and all she caught was the bottom of the lei I was wearing. As she hit the ground, her legs shot up into the air in spread eagle form and she began the constant and demented chanting of "fuck me fuck me fuck me humpmehumpmehumpme, I'll show you things, fuck me fuck me fuck me". While she was doing this, she was gyrating her hips and she had the sweaty 70's porn fro bush that ran down her taint and likely engulfed her anus, though shadowed at the time as I did not have the right perspective to see it. And although it was hideous and I knew at that moment that I would never forget what was transpiring, I could not look away from the raw embodied disgust that lie before me.

At this point, she must have somehow noticed the look of absolute horror and astonishment painted across my face and decided that I was not worthy prey. She got up and began scanning the area quickly and fiercely, with the look of a starving cave-woman, and then lunged for Aussy and grabbed his leg as he scrambled to get out of the way. His face read a look that said "if you don't get off me right now you crazy bitch, I swear you are going to regret trying to dog-hump my leg" as he scrambled to free his appendage from her primal grasp. I think had she been able to hold on to his leg, Aussy would have chewed it off to get away from her, but he finally broke free. Now in the meantime, Nathan is gaping in astonishment while Justin is coming out of half-consciousness to try and figure out just what in the fuck is going on and why a bare naked ass just fell right on his face.

Now the mayhem took a turn on our surrounding enjoyers-of-not-getting-fucked-with-on-new-years-by-crazy-drugged-up-bitches. She began to punch girls in the face (I shit you not) and grab their boyfriends with her ominous chant, "fuck me fuck me fuck me, hump me, I'll show you things". She knocked over like 3 microphone stands and stepped on countless couples affectionately sharing their new year's eve, laying on the ground. As she blazed her trail of terror behind us, we could still hear her carnal, guttural chant of "fuck me fuck me fuck me", though ever fainter.

Finally, a group of about 6 hippies all held her down limb-by-limb and tried to coax her into submission. She would not have their soothing words and calming demeanor. "FUCK ME, LET ME GO I'LL FUCK YOU, CMON FUCK ME FUUUUUUCCCCKKK MEEEEEEEE" she screamed into the previously joyful night. After about 10 minutes of that going on, here comes the off-duty WWE wrestling wannabees that are the security force, huge freakin guys. They each grab a limb and deny the pleas from the hippies. "Let us just take care of it, she will be alright" they cried, but the security force each grabbed a limb and began to drag her writhing, gyrating body away from us with no solace to our shattered environment. We heard her continue her screams as they hauled her away, "let me go, fuck me, cmon, I'll show you things, fuckmefuckmefuckme", off into the crowd.

We stood there, bewildered, traumatized, confused. For hours we uttered nothing more than simple phrases like "what the fuck?!?" or "did that really just happen?". I think at one point Justin wanted a legitimate answer of what had happened that caused a hairy anus to drop from the sky and sandwich his nose, though none of us had the capacity to answer him with any response that would alleviate his violated sense of security. At some point we just enjoyed the concert as best we could until the time was nearing an end and the closer came on, cuing us to haul ass to the car and get the hell to Fort Lauderdale.

It wasn't until after a day of recovery at the hotel and a Steakhouse, when we were headed back to Atlanta, that we finally looked back on what had happened as an experience none of us would forget. In realizing that no matter how disturbing a display we had witnessed, it was likely something that few people on this earth have experienced (not that they would want to), but that it was so fucked up, so out of whack, that it was fucking hilarious. On the ride home we spent moments between laughing fits to try and figure out what drugs she was on, what had happened to her as a child, and where the fuck she was before she fell on Justin's head. If anyone reading this has ever experienced something like this and knows what she might have been on, please enlighten me.

I can't find my pictures of the event (I didn't even come close to having enough wits about me during the chaos to take any pictures), so at the top of the screen, you can see my amazing artistic efforts come to life in a piece I call "YOU", depicting my most heated moment with the creature. I am the one with the headband (I found like 9 headbands from the 70's that my parents wore to play tennis in that I raided and ended up wearing for like a year while I grew my hair out). Nathan is the one on the right in utter disbelief, while Aussy is the one on the left shaking his fist in the air with the immediate and implied threat of violence. Justin is the one who looks like he is dead of cirrhosis in a stick-figure Atari game. Each stick figure represents about 50 people spread throughout the landscape, just imagine it. The hell spawned beast cave thing in the middle is the special lady who imprisoned our minds in paralysis for 10 minutes but whose craze filled rampage will stay with me until my dying day.

Freddy. Jason. Crazy Probably Really Sexually Frustrated and Abused Girl on PCP.
The stuff of nightmares.


Tom Pain

Takin it for granted

You hear the term "taking it for granted" thrown around a lot. In most uses it carries the meaning that, basically, you don't appreciate the things you have, or if addressed to a specific instance, that you don't appreciate a person or condition. In my own life, I recently had a ruptured disk in my neck (I'm twenty freakin eight and I get a malady that typically affects someone in their 50s). I didn't have any dramatic car accident or get in a fight or anything else I can nail down as the cause of the ruptured disk, only that it hurt like hell all the time and prevented me from doing about 90% of the activities that I regularly enjoyed. Now it has been about a year since my surgery, I'm back in the gym, I'm doing 99% of the activities that I enjoyed pre-rupture. Now the big lesson in this whole ordeal was about taking things for granted.

Often it isn't even our own decisions that can have a huge impact in our lives. Often it is the outside influence of a person or event that can dramatically affect our condition and perspective. For instance, you may take for granted the simple communications or interactions that you have with a close friend. Circumstances change, years down the road, and they are now too busy with work, family, etc. to give you 10 minutes of their time. It isn't anything you did, but gradually the situation changed to a point where you look back and say "It would be great if I could just hang out for a day", when before they had all the time in the world and you never capitalized off it because you took the situation for granted.

Now I could harp all day long about not taking things for granted. There are a million things that people take for granted every day such as health, happiness, security, or comfort. For even though I have had a powerful experience or two to teach me to appreciate all the positives in my life, I too, am guilty of taking things for granted on a daily basis. When I slept on my stomach for the first 26 years of my life, I never stopped to consider that a health condition would not allow me to EVER sleep like that again, and therefore, never sleep as good today as I once could. Or simple freedoms that you enjoy due to a lack of commitment, be it personal or professional, is something that you, again, might take for granted until you no longer get to enjoy those simple freedoms.

My impression of life in terms of what you remember in the twilight, at least viewed from the elders I have gotten to know, is that you remember the greatest points in your life with the same strength that you remember your biggest regrets. Now nobody is perfect, nobody will go through life regret-free, but if you can stop to breath the air, enjoy the little things, and appreciate all the gifts you have been given, I think you can get more enjoyment out of life and indeed come a few steps closer to your endless pursuit of happiness. So go run a mile, grab a family member and tell them how much you love them, tell your close friends how much they and their friendships mean, because you only live once, and you don't want to have to look back and realize that you didn't know what you had till it was gone.

Live for today while keeping tomorrow in mind, but love like its your last.

Tom Pain

5 days worth of saturated fat

Despite the irony of it, I'm going to follow up my post about moderation and obese people with one about me and my friends using no moderation in a race for fatness. The weekend before last, I and 7 others found each other staring down what can only be described as a massive brick of Krispy Kreme doughnut boxes, preparing to see who could cram the most in their mouth in an 8 minute period. Now this was all made possible by a friend of mine who has, for years, claimed after every meal we eat together that he can eat faster and more than anyone we know. So finally, when he turned 29, his birthday request was that his friends join in on some fattening festivities and gorge ourselves on a product that we decide on. He chose Krispy Kreme doughnuts, not what I would have gone with, but it was decided that they had the most broad appeal and delicious taste combination to maximize our eating desire and efficiency. Now I brought with me my friend and roommate, Justin, who has a bad habit of challenging people at all-you-can eat buffets and then spending the rest of the night throwing up or moaning about how full he is.

Now my first reaction upon seeing the brick of doughnut boxes (it worked out to be 3 dozen doughnuts per person, so 24 boxes in total) was laughter at the absurd thought that any one of us could down 36 doughnuts in an 8 minute period. For those of you not so hot on math, that is averaging 4 and a half doughnuts every minute. But Nathan, who had bought the doughnuts, assured me that he bought them as a precaution so nobody would run out of ammo, but that he thought it was entirely possible to eat close to the full amount. Now I have been trying to get back in shape recently, so my game plan was to gauge what kind of chances I had and then eat accordingly.

We all sat down around the table, microwaved the doughnuts, and prepared to cram as much fried, sugar coated dough as we could down our throats. The bell rang, and we began to eat. I got about one bite into my doughnut and burst into uncontrollable laughter. I knew as I felt the sugar sloshing around my mouth and tasted the heaviness of the fried dough that there was no fucking way in hell that I was going to win, and just the thought of what lengths the others would have to go to made me crack up for about a minute. Now my laughter was contagious and pissing off the would-be competitors, because my infectious laughter was impeding their ability to cram doughnuts at an optimum rate. After my giggle fit died down, I slowly and calmly ate doughnuts as I watched the real competition take place between my friend Justin and Nathan's roommate, Whit. I won't tell you how many I ate, only that it was paltry compared to the winners and that due to my performance, they discussed instituting a rule at the next contest to penalize the first to bow out.

Now Whit had the strategy of taking four doughnuts, smashing them down to the size of one, and eating them 4 at a time. Justin, on the other hand was just taking one at a time as fast as he could. The rules stated that when time ended, the eater could stuff his mouth full, as long as he finished every bite that was in his mouth when the buzzer went off. So as the last minute approached, everybody had backed out, save for Whit and Justin. There was a $100 prize for first place and a $50 prize for second, so if you weren't in the running, you were just getting fatter. Then, in the last minute, both of them began to eat like demons. They were very close to each other, though it was hard to determine accurately due to Whit's doughnut smashing technique. In the last ten seconds, both eaters were furiously stuffing their face for was they hoped would be enough to best the other. Justin had wads of chewed up doughnut hanging out of his mouth as he crammed more in. The buzzer rang, and both had a mouth full. We looked down to determine the winner and found that if Justin could indeed finish what was in his mouth, then he would claim victory by about 1/2 a doughnut. It took him about 3 minutes to finish everything while fighting the urge to vomit, but he did indeed come out on top after eating 16 1/2 doughnuts.

So even though he ate 2 days worth of calories, 3 days worth of fat, and 5 days worth of saturated fat, Justin walked away the victor and $100 richer for his efforts. In the coming days, his described state of health would remind me of the guy in "Super Size Me" that talked about how shitty he felt after eating all that McDonald's food. But in the end, I found that not only had Nathan's claims of being the fastest and biggest eater been false for the 20 years I have known him, but that Justin could pretty much eat anybody I know under the table. I look forward to testing him against other worthy competitors. They are working on posting the video of the contest, and I'll put that up as soon as they do, I'll be the guy laughing for 3 minutes at the beginning of the contest.

Tom Pain