The most disturbing thing that has happened to me

Now, if we think back, I'm sure everyone has a memory of something that they wish had never happened. For some it may be walking in on their parents while they are having sex, or for others it may be catching your brother jacking it to a G.I. Joe doll, or maybe its something so heinous that it is buried somewhere in your psyche that you would rather not delve into. Well I had a fairly fortunate childhood, aside from some sibling issues, I had a great upbringing and, I guess you could say, a fairly sheltered one as well. While my story may not be the most disturbing thing you have seen or heard of, it is an event which is permanently etched into my mind and which I can recall with vivid horror, although in hindsight it was one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. So here it goes.

Back at the turn of the millennium while some were huddled in fear over Y2K or going about their normal New Year's routine, me and three of my closest friends decided to take a trip to Big Cypress in the Everglades of Florida to see Phish. Now for those of you not familiar with the event or its happenings, it was basically about 85,000 people that gathered over 2 days to share in.... festivities.... and brotherhood to enjoy one of the most talented bands ever to walk this earth, Phish. Now two of the people that accompanied me you can view pictures of if you scroll down to the "5 days worth of saturated fat" entry. One of them was Justin, the winner of the contest, and the other was Nathan, whose birthday it was and who hosted the contest (the one in the hat sitting down). The other wishes to remain anonymous due to the nature of the event, but i will call him Aussy, after Aussy Ockum Red. Now this trip ended up being one of the best experiences of my life and in thinking back, there are few things I wouldn't give up to be able to go back there and do it again, limbs included. But as the festival came to a close, when Phish was playing their 7 1/2 hour set and it was about 3 hours into it, a disturbance began to emerge from the edge of my hearing, and faint cry that had not yet grabbed my attention....

Now before I begin, a little background info on the scene there. Everyone was enjoying the New Year, it was three hours into it. Nathan, Aussy, and I had partaken in certain festivities throughout the day and were in an especially jovial mood. Justin had decided that toward the end of the day he would just drink alcohol and quit drinking a few hours before the show so he could drive us to Fort Lauderdale to get a hotel and a freakin shower. So Justin had drank about a case of Miller Lite and close to a whole bottle of champagne by about 3 a.m. and his motor is slowly coming to a halt. While us and about 3/4 the crowd is standing up, Justin is laying on the ground looking about half a breath away from his eyes rolling into the back of his head. I kept bumping into him and stepping on him as I was enjoying the music, so I asked if I could move him. He said he would move on his own, but being that I was in such a good mood, I persuaded him to let me move him over for him. So I reach down to wrap my arms around his back to pick him up, and it was then that something happened that at once was an immediate conundrum in my brain. A bare naked ass fell right on his face, not 6 inches from my nose.

As I tried to gather my wits about me and assess the situation, it was then that I met the gaze of the most terrifying beast that I have ever faced, a girl that was plum fucking out of her mind. She was of medium height and medium build, with long, tangled brown hair that shook about her like a prison inmate or someone who has been camping a long, long time. She was stark naked save for her socks and a long sleeve green shirt. But her eyes, her eyes had a hollow but VERY focused look in them, like she was searching for something... and she had found it. It was then that I heard the blood curdling voice of the she-beast and it was a loud cry of "YOUUUUUUUUUU" as she pointed a finger at me. Now as the band made its entrance earlier in the night, they threw out plastic leis to the crowd, which I had grabbed and was donning at the time. She got up and lunged at me. As her arms neared their intended destination, I quickly jerked back and all she caught was the bottom of the lei I was wearing. As she hit the ground, her legs shot up into the air in spread eagle form and she began the constant and demented chanting of "fuck me fuck me fuck me humpmehumpmehumpme, I'll show you things, fuck me fuck me fuck me". While she was doing this, she was gyrating her hips and she had the sweaty 70's porn fro bush that ran down her taint and likely engulfed her anus, though shadowed at the time as I did not have the right perspective to see it. And although it was hideous and I knew at that moment that I would never forget what was transpiring, I could not look away from the raw embodied disgust that lie before me.

At this point, she must have somehow noticed the look of absolute horror and astonishment painted across my face and decided that I was not worthy prey. She got up and began scanning the area quickly and fiercely, with the look of a starving cave-woman, and then lunged for Aussy and grabbed his leg as he scrambled to get out of the way. His face read a look that said "if you don't get off me right now you crazy bitch, I swear you are going to regret trying to dog-hump my leg" as he scrambled to free his appendage from her primal grasp. I think had she been able to hold on to his leg, Aussy would have chewed it off to get away from her, but he finally broke free. Now in the meantime, Nathan is gaping in astonishment while Justin is coming out of half-consciousness to try and figure out just what in the fuck is going on and why a bare naked ass just fell right on his face.

Now the mayhem took a turn on our surrounding enjoyers-of-not-getting-fucked-with-on-new-years-by-crazy-drugged-up-bitches. She began to punch girls in the face (I shit you not) and grab their boyfriends with her ominous chant, "fuck me fuck me fuck me, hump me, I'll show you things". She knocked over like 3 microphone stands and stepped on countless couples affectionately sharing their new year's eve, laying on the ground. As she blazed her trail of terror behind us, we could still hear her carnal, guttural chant of "fuck me fuck me fuck me", though ever fainter.

Finally, a group of about 6 hippies all held her down limb-by-limb and tried to coax her into submission. She would not have their soothing words and calming demeanor. "FUCK ME, LET ME GO I'LL FUCK YOU, CMON FUCK ME FUUUUUUCCCCKKK MEEEEEEEE" she screamed into the previously joyful night. After about 10 minutes of that going on, here comes the off-duty WWE wrestling wannabees that are the security force, huge freakin guys. They each grab a limb and deny the pleas from the hippies. "Let us just take care of it, she will be alright" they cried, but the security force each grabbed a limb and began to drag her writhing, gyrating body away from us with no solace to our shattered environment. We heard her continue her screams as they hauled her away, "let me go, fuck me, cmon, I'll show you things, fuckmefuckmefuckme", off into the crowd.

We stood there, bewildered, traumatized, confused. For hours we uttered nothing more than simple phrases like "what the fuck?!?" or "did that really just happen?". I think at one point Justin wanted a legitimate answer of what had happened that caused a hairy anus to drop from the sky and sandwich his nose, though none of us had the capacity to answer him with any response that would alleviate his violated sense of security. At some point we just enjoyed the concert as best we could until the time was nearing an end and the closer came on, cuing us to haul ass to the car and get the hell to Fort Lauderdale.

It wasn't until after a day of recovery at the hotel and a Steakhouse, when we were headed back to Atlanta, that we finally looked back on what had happened as an experience none of us would forget. In realizing that no matter how disturbing a display we had witnessed, it was likely something that few people on this earth have experienced (not that they would want to), but that it was so fucked up, so out of whack, that it was fucking hilarious. On the ride home we spent moments between laughing fits to try and figure out what drugs she was on, what had happened to her as a child, and where the fuck she was before she fell on Justin's head. If anyone reading this has ever experienced something like this and knows what she might have been on, please enlighten me.

I can't find my pictures of the event (I didn't even come close to having enough wits about me during the chaos to take any pictures), so at the top of the screen, you can see my amazing artistic efforts come to life in a piece I call "YOU", depicting my most heated moment with the creature. I am the one with the headband (I found like 9 headbands from the 70's that my parents wore to play tennis in that I raided and ended up wearing for like a year while I grew my hair out). Nathan is the one on the right in utter disbelief, while Aussy is the one on the left shaking his fist in the air with the immediate and implied threat of violence. Justin is the one who looks like he is dead of cirrhosis in a stick-figure Atari game. Each stick figure represents about 50 people spread throughout the landscape, just imagine it. The hell spawned beast cave thing in the middle is the special lady who imprisoned our minds in paralysis for 10 minutes but whose craze filled rampage will stay with me until my dying day.

Freddy. Jason. Crazy Probably Really Sexually Frustrated and Abused Girl on PCP.
The stuff of nightmares.


Tom Pain